Seven Wonders of India

Until sometime back my nighttime schedule was short and simple. I watched Shakira videos, beat my meat, and then went to sleep dreaming of impregnating her. However, I was, recently, forced to make a slight change in my nighttime schedule. The altered agenda was: watch Shakira videos, massage my Mt. Everest, say a ten-minute prayer, and then go to sleep dreaming of impregnating Shakira. Unlike in my childhood days, the prayer wasn’t aimed at having my school bombed or my teachers buried alive or my relatives skewered. I had matured a lot since those days. I knew all I had to do was search the Internet for ultra cool ways to murder people. The reason I prayed after rubbing my rhombus and before going to sleep was something totally different. I yearned to uphold our country’s pride and rich cultural heritage in front of the rest of the world. I desired to make India appear tourism-worthy to stupid retarded white-ass foreigners. I prayed in order to make sure the Taj Mahal wouldn’t get voted out of the new seven wonders list.

The whole nation is getting jittery because the Taj Mahal was the one thing that had always made India appealing to the rest of the universe. Even when some countries couldn’t agree to our strict moral code of banning and condemning everything that even slightly referred to the authenticity of religions or historical figures while secretly promoting prostitution, sex rackets, communal riots, bigotry, pornography, and violence against women they all openly welcomed the fact that the Taj Mahal was a wondrous monument and an unequivocal symbol of love. Without the Taj Mahal being officially one of the seven wonders India would be just a smelly country with a handful of filthy rich millionaires, billions of sick, depressed call center employees and software engineers, and a seriously “we’ve-got-our-heads-so-far-up-our-asses-that-we-can-lick-our-tonsils” family called the Bachchans whom everybody knows they’re supposed to say they like but aren’t quite sure why.

Some Indians were of the opinion that India was paying too much attention to get accepted into the New Seven Wonders List. They believed that when hundreds and thousands of Indians were dying every month of various reasons like poverty, diseases, and border violence the value that was being ascribed to the Taj Mahal was undeserved. Afterwards, when they ran out of things to say and do the group randomly assaulted college professors and assailed artists and writers. It was then that everybody realized that it was merely the Shiv Sena and the RSS trying to not have a Muslim monument as the biggest attraction in a purely Hindu country. They demanded that, instead, a Hindu monument should be named as the country’s biggest treasure. Maybe something like the Imax theatre in Mumbai. Or Bal Thackeray’s house.

Even if the New Seven Wonders Committee excludes the Taj from their list we have to learn to value our national possessions and talk about them at every single occasion so that people get so sick of it they’ll visit the Taj Mahal just to jump from the top of it. What most of us don’t realize is that the Taj Mahal is just one of the brilliant wonders that exist in our country. There are innumerous wonders that overwhelm different parts of our country that it’s hard to make a list of them. However, I have managed to narrow down seven of our country’s greatest wonders.

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF INDIA

Wonder # 7: Bollywood

Possibly the most popular movie industry in the world next to Hollywood. But the reason why it’s included in the seven wonders of India list is because not a single living breathing Indian knows why it’s so popular. Overflowing with untalented actors, directors, and scriptwriters Bollywood is equivalent to a group of monkeys imitating what they see Hollywood do, and that too imitate it really badly. It’s nothing short of a wonder how actors like Fardeen Khan, Suniel Shetty, Amisha Patel, John Abraham, Shahid Kapoor, and Bipasha Basu to name a few are still thriving in the industry. It’s nothing short of a wonder that people would pay money to see these spoiled assfaces put on pathetic displays of what they call acting.

Wonder # 6: Dowry

The wondrous procedure by which a woman is sold to a man by her family where the money is paid by the woman’s family to the man. Now that’s what you call a bad bargain when you part with valuable puss and end up paying for it. Still, the wonder is that even in the twenty first century it exists and continues to grow stronger.

Wonder # 5: Hansika Motwani

With tits that can give you a cardiac arrest, an ass that can bring world peace, and a face that can keep a sperm bank going for years, Hansika Motwani is just sixteen years old. Now, salivating after a sixteen-year-old girl is obviously an inappropriate thing to do but she’s a living breathing sex-oozing monument of beauty who deserves to be described as a true hormonal wonder.

Wonder # 4: Himesh Reshammiya

One of the very few singers in the country who gets paid to make sounds similar to a giraffe getting a cordless phone shoved up its ass. Others like Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle have had to strain for centuries before they reached where the capped-wonder Himesh has reached in a matter of few months.

Wonder # 3: Ayesha Takia’s boobs

Are they two planets trapped inside her blouse? Is it God’s way of letting us take a sneak preview of what heaven is like? Are they not the two most essential things a man needs for his survival other than food and water? Filled with the power to raise the genitals of even a dead man, Ayesha Takia’s boobs are undoubtedly the greatest twin towers ever into which anyone would love to fly their airplane into.

Wonder # 2: Indian Politics

Filled with both educated and uneducated cock-squeezers, the Indian Political Arena is awe-inspiring both for its complete refusal to give a shit about the welfare of the people and the absolute desire to pile up as much money as possible while promising people whatever they want to hear. Although Indian Politics resemble other countries in those aspects they hold their own when it comes to crime, corruption, and intolerance. In all which way possible, the field of Indian Politics is truly a wonder.

Wonder # 1: Kashmir

A piece of shit-ass unproductive land that is perpetually filled with snow and does not mean crap to any thinking individual in either India or Pakistan. No matter how many billions of bullets are fired and how many thousands liters of blood are spilled Kashmir will forever remain an infected cork up the asses of both India and Pakistan. The wonder of Kashmir lies in the fact that everyone hears about how much India wants it to be ours but frankly speaking who would want to acquire a piece of shit like that which has cost our country so much, both in money and lives? Kashmir is the greatest shared wonder in our country that is often called the paradise on Earth but is actually nothing but a fucking graveyard where your nipples get pointy faster than a stranger can guess Karan Johar’s sexuality. 

Language

A lot of people feel that a language is an important thing to keep intact, and free of corruption. It is of course important that people don't sully a language to the extent nobody can really understand it. Ironically, the English language has changed so much the last 1000 years it's not even funny. Stealing bits and pieces from every language there is, dead ones and still breathing ones, to form a pseudo-Germanic language with overtones of Latin, Greek, French, middle-English etc etc etc. So why all of a sudden do linguists cry out that the recent Internet/Cell-phone Short Message Service are corrupting the language? Allow me to explain.

The linguist is lazy. Instead of adapting to changes in a language (ie learning it all over again), he just fights to preserve it as it is instead. At least a little, by participating in seminars nobody goes to. A cozy static quality of being is why Judaism and Christianity is still being used as religions today, instead of evolving new ones, surely it can be applied to language as well. Really, let's just force-feed English to all the people around the world. Who needs a fucking "identity", pfff.

Some also think that's a good argument, if you lose a language, you lose your cultural and not to mention your national identity. So why do nationalists moan over the loss of a language they love? Nationalists are lazy. Instead of pushing actual issues, they just blame it on the Jews and burn them. Problem seemingly solved. Until those dumb japs decide to do something idiotic again.

Let's just all stop the communication and all these issues about linguistics and semantics will disappear. Colloquialism will surely bring about the apocalypse; you all know this to be true!

Demo-crazy: Freedom of Expression

It is infuriating to see how a few rotten apples can pose a threat to a perfectly healthy tree. Our nation exemplifies unpolluted democracy and it perturbs me when I see certain people trying to pollute it. We all know the part that religious passion and enthusiastic nationalism have played in helping India reach the glorious heights it has reached today. So, I decided to conduct an investigation of sorts into the blatant acts of blasphemy that these antinational elements have been committing.

As a result of keen observation on my part, and perfectly productive use of my time, I found out the subliminal messages of hate that a certain female anchor on a sports show was emitting. Mandira, as I shall refer to her, was shamelessly drinking orange juice from a white glass using a blue straw. The very sight of it wounded the national pride within me that I held (and will always hold) higher than everything else. After days of stoning herresidence, burning her effigies and downloading her hot semi-naked photos off the Internet, my fellow patriots and I filed a case against her that resulted in a just court verdict; for the crime of insulting our national colors, she was made to stand completely nude in front of us with nothing but a book to cover herself.

This, inadvertently, led me to the second villainous figure in this vicious antinationalcircle. An artist, with questionable initials, whom I shall call M.F Hussain. Aided by his perversely heretical mind, he dared to paint the nude picture of Mandira having nothing but a book to cover herself. Clearly, his desire was to abuse the Hindu religion and insult the source of divine knowledge, which was epitomized by the book in her hand. After days of stoning his residence, burning his effigies, and urinating on his property walls, my fellow believers and I filed a case against him that finally managed to serve justice; for offending the religious sentiments of one billion people Mr. Hussain was made to repeatedly watch the movies he directed for three consecutive days followed by a session of Amitabh Bachchan narrating penguin sex.

As I was celebrating the contributions I had made to our country’s overall progress by going to a Chinese Restaurant, my eyes fell on the deplorable act of a renowned sportsperson committing sacrilege against our nation’s father. Sachin, I shall call him, was brazenly using chopsticks to consume his Chinese Food when clearly the chopsticks resembled the walking stick that our Mahatma once used. I knew I owed it to Bappuji to inflict proper punishment on blasphemers like Sachin. After breaking his bats, crushing his balls, and burning his effigies, my fellow Indians and I once again approached the judiciary and were given a fair verdict; for the crime of insulting the Father of Our Nation Sachin was made to take dancing lessons from S. Sreesanth.

I’m, unfortunately, forced to report all this from an undisclosed location as Maneka Gandhi is stoning my house assisted a group of effigy-burning chimps. She apparently felt that the inclusion of penguins in this report was discriminatory and insensitive on my part. But I don’t blame her since, as Indians, we do have the right to stone other people’s houses and cause them physical harm while protesting. If that is not freedom of expression, then I don’t know what is.  

Let Tooth Prevail

When kingpins nearing eighty,

deviod of all enamel,

behave in manners weighty

like the legendary camel,

‘tis time to hold your breath,

avoiding khadi diarrhoea,

or face malodorous death

from a ruling pyorrhoea.

When Democracy degenerates

to a Demo of Hypocracy,

When a multi-Alliance creates

a Non-Reliance reality,

‘tis time to think again

of goons & gun-toting chums

causing us constant pain,

and creating bleeding gums.

When a Constitution becomes

an Institution that is Conned,

When Government dumdums

are so senselessly spawned,

‘tis time to look beneath

what doesn’t meet the eye,

‘tis time to pick your teeth

ridding them of scum that lie.

When a country’s Matriarch

does accommodatingly stoop

to a subversion so stark

for a rotter in her coop,

‘tis time to give Senora,

the shape of her native roots,

without further brouhaha -

the Order of the Boots.

When criminals are hanged,

and officials just suspended,

and politicians defanged,

and rested, not arrested,

‘tis time to play the fixer,

and seek sanity in the sense

of greasing your rusty sixer

and seeking recompense.

When all penguin judges

brought in from the cold

belatedly debate their fudges,

trying to recast their mould,

‘tis time for dentrifices

to cleanse each mealy mouth,

to kill without any misses

from North to East and South.

When politicians, young probables,

spend mornings, noons & nites,

yet cannot turn the tables,

despite their pearly whites,

‘tis time to debrace them

and pat them on the back

for trying to stop the mayhem,

and give old guys the sack.

When their so obvious worth,

unheard in most of sessions

remains unused from birth,

when angst remains obsessions,

‘tis time to shun the toothless

bring on their ripened death

in manners however ruthless

before we gasp for breath.

When Election mean Selection

remember Wilkes Booth,

big shot for gunning Lincoln,

showing an incising tooth,

‘tis time to check your guns,

shunning any possible dud,

‘tis time to hit the Huns

and nip them in the bud.

All Dynasties aren’t evils

nor all Alliances taboo,

but they shouldn’t be like weavils,

undoing what they should do;

All diarrhoeas do not kill,

but without adequate therapy

in the form of shot and pill

can become fatal dysentry.

All Dynasties are not sick.

Even diarhorreas needn’t be;

but surely we can pick,

electing prudently;

All Dynasties needn’t be fatal,

a maligned acorn can be,

from stages neo-natal,

a decent family tree.

Give teeth a prerequisite

for them that need to chew,

elect those that are explicit

in their general point of view.

Pick young balls of energy

- Nuclear, Kinetic or Solar,

bringing with each electee

a perfectly bright white Molar.

Rahul Gandhi. A-Sham-ed?

OPEN LETTER TO MR RAHUL GANDHI

I feel ashamed to call myself an Indian after seeing what has happened here in UP. - Rahul Gandhi

Dear Rahul,

You really want to feel ashamed? But don't be disappointed, I would give you ample reasons to feel ashamed... You really want to feel Ashamed..?
 

First Ask Pranav Mukherjee, Why isn't he giving the details of the account holders in the Swiss Banks. Ask your Mother, Who is impeding the Investigation against Hasan Ali? Ask her, Who got 60% Kickbacks in the 2G Scam? Kalamdi is accused of a Few hundred Crores, Who Pocketed the Rest in the Common Wealth Games? Ask Praful Patel what he did to the Indian Airlines? Why did Air India let go of the Profitable Routes?
 

Why should the Tax Payer pay for the Air India losses, when you intend to eventually divest it anyway! Also, You People can't run an Airline Properly. How can we expect you to run the Nation?

Ask Manmohan Singh. Why/What kept him quiet for so long? Are Kalmadi and A Raja are Scapegoats to save Big Names like Harshad Mehta was in the 1992 Stock Market Scandal? Who let the Bhopal Gas Tragedy Accused go Scot Free? (20,000 People died in that Tragedy). Who ordered the State Sponsored Massacre of Sikhs in 1984?

Please read more about, How Indira Gandhi pushed the Nation Under Emergency in 76-77, after the HC declared her election to Lok Sabha Void!

Why only highlight this arrest?

Dear Rahul, to refresh your memory, you were arrested/detained by the FBI the Boston Airport in September 2001. You were carrying with you $ 1,60,000 in Cash. You couldn't explain why you were carrying so much Cash.
 

(Incidentally He was with his Columbian girlfriend Veronique Cartelli, allegedly, the Daughter of Drug Mafia. Nine hours he was kept at the Airport.  Later then freed on the intervention of the then Prime Minister Mr. Vajpayee.  FBI filed an equivalent of an FIR in US and released him. When FBI was asked to divulge the information, by Right/Freedom to Information Activists about the reasons Rahul was arrested ... FBI asked for a No Objection Certificate from Rahul Gandhi. So Subramaniyam Swami wrote a Letter to Rahul Gandhi, "If you have nothing to hide, Give us the Permission" He never replied!)
 

Why did that arrest not make Headlines Rahul? You could have gone to the Media and told, "I am ashamed to call myself an Indian?" Or is it that, you only do like to highlight Symbolic Arrests (like in UP) and not Actual Arrests (In Boston).
 

Kindly Clarify.....
 

In any case, you want to feel ashamed, Read Along...
 

Your mother's so called sacrifice of giving up prime ministership in 2004. According to a Provision in the Citizenship Act, a Foreign National who becomes a Citizen of India, is bounded by the same restrictions, which an Indian would face, If he/she were to  become a Citizen of Italy. (Condition based on principle of reciprocity). Now Since you can't become a PM in Italy, Unless you are born there. Likewise an Italian Citizen can't become Indian PM, unless He/She is not born here! Dr. Subramaniyam Swami (The Man who Exposed the 2G Scam) sent a letter to the President of India bringing the same to his Notice.
 

The President of India sent a letter to Sonia Gandhi to this effect, 3:30 PM, May 17th, 2004. Swearing Ceremony was scheduled for 5 PM the same Day. Manmohan Singh was brought in the Picture at the last moment to Save Face! Rest of the sacrifice drama which she choreographed was an eye wash!

In fact Sonia Gandhi had sent, 340 letters, each signed by different MP to the President Kalam, supporting her candidacy for PM.  One of those letters read, "I Sonia Gandhi, elected Member from Rai Bareli, hereby propose Sonia Gandhi as Prime Minister." So she was Pretty interested! Until She came to know the Facts! So She didn't make any Sacrifice, It so happens that Sonia Gandhi couldn't have become the PM of India that time.

You could be Ashamed about that Dear Rahul!! One Credential Sonia G had, Even that was a Hoax!

Think About Yourself.

You go to Harvard on Donation Quota. (Hindujas gave Harvard 11 million dollars the same year, when Rajiv Gandhi was in Power). Then you are expelled in 3 Months/ You Dropped out in 3 Months.... (Sadly Manmohan Singh wasn't the Dean of Harvard that time, else you might have had a chance... Too Bad, there is only one Manmohan Singh!)
 

Then Why did you go about lying about being Masters in Economics from Harvard ... before finally taking it off your Resume upon questioning by Dr. Subramaniyam Swami (The Gentlemen who exposed the 2G Scam).
 

At St. Stephens... You Fail the Hindi Exam. Hindi Exam!!! And you are representing the Biggest Hindi Speaking State of the Country?
 

Sonia Gandhi's Educational Qualifications

Sonia G gave a sworn affidavit as a Candidate that She Studied English at University of Cambridge. According to Cambridge University, there is no such Student ever! Upon a Case by Dr. Subramaniyam Swami filed against her, She subsequently dropped the Cambridge Credential from her Affidavit. Sonia Gandhi didn't even pass High School. She is just 5th class Pass! In this sense, She shares a common Educational Background with her 2G Partner in Crime, Karunanidhi.
 

You Fake your Educational Degree, Your Mother Fakes her Educational Degree. And then you go out saying, " We want Educated Youth into Politics!"
 

Why Lie About Educational Credentials?
 

Not that Education is a Prerequisite for being a great Leader, but then you shouldn't have lied about your qualifications! You could feel a little ashamed about Lying about your Educational Qualifications. You had your reasons I know, Because in India, We Respect Education! But who cares about Education, When you are a Youth Icon!!

Youth Icon
 

You traveled in the Local Train for the first time at the Age of 38. You went to some Villages as a part of Election Campaign. And You won a Youth Icon!! ... Is that why You are my Youth Icon? For 25 Million People travel by Train every day. You are the First Person to win a Youth Icon for boarding a Train. Thousands of Postmen go to remotest of Villages. None of them have yet gotten a Youth Icon.  You were neither young nor iconic! Still You became a Youth Icon beating Iconic and Younger Contenders like Rahul Dravid.
 

Shakespeare said, What's in a Name? Little did he knew, It's all in the Name, Especially the Surname!
 

Speaking of Surname, Sir do you really respect Gandhi, or is it just to cash in on the goodwill of Mahatma? Because the name on your Passport is Raul Vinci. Not Rahul Gandhi. May be if you wrote your Surname as Gandhi, you would have experienced, what Gandhi feels like, literally (Pun intended)

You People don't seem to use Gandhi much, except when you are fighting Elections. (There it makes complete sense). Imagine fighting elections by the Name Raul Vinci...

You use the name Gandhi at will and then say, "Mujhe yeh Yuvraj shabd Insulting lagta hai! Kyonki aaj Hindustan mein Democracy hai, aur is shabd ka koi matlab nahin hai! Yuvraj, Itna hi Insulting lagta hai, to lad lo Raul Vinci ke Naam se!!! Jin Kisano ke saath photo khinchate ho woh bhi isliye entertain karte hain ki Gandhi ho. Raul Vinci bol ke Jao... Ghar mein nahin ghusaenge!!! You could feel ashamed for your Double Standards.
 

Youth into Politics
 

Now you want Youth to Join Politics. I say First you Join Politics. Because you haven't Joined Politics. You have Joined a Family Business. First you Join Politics. Win an Election fighting as Raul Vinci and Not Rahul Gandhi, then come and ask the youth and the Educated Brass for more involvement in Politics. Also till then, Please don't give me examples of Sachin Pilot and Milind Deora and Naveen Jindal as youth who have joined Politics. They are not Politicians. They Just happen to be Politicians.

Much Like Abhishek Bachchan and other Star Sons are not Actors. They just happen to be Actors (For Obvious Reasons)
 

So, we would appreciate if you stop requesting the Youth to Join Politics till you establish your credentials...
 

Why We Can't Join Politics!
 

Rahul Baba, Please understand, Your Father had a lot of money in your Family account (in Swiss Bank) when he died. Ordinary Youth has to work for a living. Your family just needs to Network for a Living. If our Father had left thousands of Crores with us, we might consider doing the same. But we have to Work. Not just for ourselves and also for you, so that we can pay 30% of our Income to the Government which can then be channelized to the Swiss Banks and your Personal Accounts under some Pseudo Names.
 

So Rahul, Please don't mind if the Youth doesn't Join Politics. We are doing our best to fund your Election Campaigns and your Chopper Trips to the Villages. Somebody has to earn the money that Politicians feed on.
 

No wonder you are not Gandhi's. You are so called Gandhi's!
 

Air India, KG Gas Division, 2G, CWG, Swiss Bank Account Details... Hasan Ali, KGB., FBI Arrest..

You want to feel ashamed.

Feel Ashamed for what the First Family of Politics has been reduced to... A Money Laundering Enterprise.

No wonder you are not Gandhi's by blood. Gandhi is an adopted Name. For Indira didn't marry Mahatma Gandhi's Son.

For even if you had one gene of Gandhiji in your DNA, you wouldn't have been plagued by such 'poverty of ambition' (Ambition of only earning money)

You really want to feel Ashamed.

Feel Ashamed for what you 'so called Gandhi's' have done to Mahatma's Legacy. I so wish Gandhiji had Copyrighted his Name! Meanwhile, I would request Sonia Gandhi to change her name to $onia Gandhi, and you could replace the 'R' in Rahul/Raul by the New Rupee Symbol!!!

Raul Vinci : I am ashamed to call myself an Indian.

Even we are ashamed to call you so!

P.S: Popular Media is either bought or blackmailed, controlled to Manufacture Consent! My Guess is Social Media is still a Democratic Platform. (Now they are trying to put legislations to censor that too!!). Meanwhile, let's ask these questions, for we deserve some Answers.