Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I'm Here


The best way to explain how good this short film is is to tell the story of how I watched it. My wife is no sci-fi buff; on the contrary, she is someone who has not even seen Star Wars (the sacrilege). So settling down one night to watch a film together, I recommended we watch this short by Spike Jonze, all with the promise that we would watch a lighter rom-com afterwards. Not only did I not hear a word of complaint during the approximately thirty-minute running time, I witnessed the quiet appearance of wife-movie-tears at the film’s close.

The protagonist, Sheldon, is a robot with a head made of what looks like a CPU cabinet, from which he pulls a cable that he plugs into a power socket every night to charge. Not the stuff of exciting, light romance. From this starting point, the film manages to extract an extraordinary amount of sympathy through his minimalistic facial expressions. Jonze manages to show the humanity in very simple things: the day-to-day boredom of commuting, working, waiting. For viewers, these emotions are far more common than the passionate overexpression that film can often slip into. Seeing Sheldon do something day-to-day that we must suffer through as well, with the same melancholy that we saunter on with, has a lot more pathos than the obvious ‘do robots have emotion?’ gestures thrown around in other films.

The emotion conundrum has been couched in multiple ways by filmmakers for decades, but always with the ominous sub-text that robots may pose an existential threat because of it. Jonze is no ordinary filmmaker; he is one of the minds behind such mind-benders as Being John Malkovich, and Adaptation. His achievement in I’m Here is perhaps more impressive because he avoids his usual post-modern tricks completely. The simple sense of sacrifice that Sheldon possesses in the name of love is enviable. It is uncomplicated by human problems of selfishness, anger or frustration. When Francesca (with whom he has developed quite a tender relationship) comes to him first without an arm, he unscrews his as a gift; when she comes without a leg he does the same. In the end he is left as but a head: now picture that as the trade-off between love and self-interest. Sheldon possesses a purity of emotion superior to humanity. Why should our complex functioning minds be the ideal version of how emotion manifests?

The world of the film, independently of the powerful story at its core, has insights of its own. Sub-text is used to the level that Hemingway would’ve been proud of; there are histories told in the dialogue left unsaid, and the visuals simply mentioned and not explored. Francesca’s head is more anthropomorphised than Sheldon’s; it is closer to a face than his. Nothing is said of this. It simply reflects that there has been a generational development of robotics, and the corresponding treatment of robots has developed. When Francesca roars away in a car, an old lady at a bus stop yells (in typical ‘old lady on bus’ style – there’s always one), “You can’t drive”. This and the shots of worker robots earlier in the piece tacitly speak about a history of prejudice and subservience, referencing the roles we assume robots will fill as pieces of functional technology. But to get too bogged down in this would be to ignore the pleasantly simple emotional story of Sheldon and Francesca.

Andrew Garfield manages to capture a sense of vulnerability as Sheldon. The film is soft-spoken, subtle, and ultimately compelling. At no point in the thirty minutes are you bored, or annoyed by pretentiousness (a common flaw for a short). Jonze’s cinematic decisions are smart, and extremely touching. It is available on YouTube and I recommend you watch it – all of you.

Request to Join?


People make a big deal about really stupid shit everywhere. There are groups for the blatantly obvious everywhere on facebook, and if you fail to join a group for a good cause, the assumption is you’re a cold hearted douche or a terrible human being. There’s a group on facebook against rape, as if it’s required of me to state explicitly that I am against it. If I had the energy, I’d make 25000 groups for other things that are completely fucking obvious and see how it goes.

  • Hungry people should have something to eat»
  • Paris Hilton should not attempt to perform open heart surgery»
  • People in a coma shouldn’t operate heavy machinery»
  • Don’t go on a shooting rampage against newborn babies in the maternity ward of a hospital

I expect at least 50000 likes for stating blatantly obvious banalities.

I thoroughly dislike that these bullshit groups exist and that people feel compelled to join them in order to show that they are against something as if someone needed reassurance that yes, rape is indeed a bad thing to partake in.

Don’t invite me to your dumb fucking facebook groups unless it’s at least a debatable issue. No one is for rape you dumb faggots.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Anti-Thesis



We seem dissatisfied with our heroes nowadays. I think it’s because people have caught onto the fact that flawless human beings can’t exist, and if they did we really wouldn’t want them, because, really, they wouldn’t be heroes. They would just be perfect…boring…unchallenged.
We want internal turmoil. We actively crave Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight; it gives us joy that every superhero in Wathcmen is as broken as the world they inhabit; Iron Manis only interesting so long as he is an egotistical wanker. It’s an exercise in self-validation, a look at the greats, thinking, ‘if something that amazing has a really shit side, then my shortcomings by comparison must only be mild and weak-limbed, because I’m only an average bloke.’
In that vein, here’s some balm for your heroic souls:
Hercules went mad and killed his family.
Ghandi was very often a terrible husband.
Martin Luther King Jr was a serial womanizer.
Turns out Lance Armstrong was on drugs.
Oscar Pistorius may possibly have a bit of a violent temper (subject to the outcome of his case – in which, funnily enough, his prosecutor was taken off due to multiple charges of attempted murder. South Africa FTW).
Everyone wants to be a hero. Unless you’re apathetic, which, I guess, makes you a student. In that case, you, dear reader, probably don’t want to be a hero.
I say seek out anti-heroism. It’s what Epics are made of these days.
It’s the tragic fall that makes the hero shine brighter and turns his/her story into an epic. Try to do as much heroic shit as you can before then. Because you will fall. Trust me.
Note: On the other hand, if you think I’m wrong and are an optimist like my high school English teacher, do check out my conversation with the retired messiah.

Monday, May 20, 2013

I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet and pushing the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top but under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial! I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers. I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case, pre-maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail. But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing – a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore – no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hanging tough, over and out!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

The Confessional




Muslim Extremist: I have sinned, old man in a white robe.
Catholic Priest: Call me father.
Muslim Extremist: Papa.
Catholic Priest: Not Papa, Father.
Muslim Extremist: Dear Father, I have sinned.
Catholic Priest: What are your sins, my son? Confess and be forgiven.
Muslim Extremist: I’m not sure where to begin.
Catholic Priest: Let’s see, have you ever indulged in any kind of incestuous activities?
Muslim Extremist: Not at all. My family frowns on such things. If my dad knew I even
touched my sister he would make me suck his dick as punishment.
Catholic Priest: Ok, what about rapes? Done any of those?
Muslim Extremist: Just girls.
Catholic Priest: Well, that’s no sin then. How about cursing? Are you a frequent user of
curse words?
Muslim Extremist: Fuck No! I’m not a foulmouthed cunt like some modern Muslims out
there. I stick to every word of the Koran and completely refrain from swearing.
Catholic Priest: Well then, have you taken the life of another man?
Muslim Extremist (hesitant): Quite a few, actually. I’m sure you must remember those
beheadings that was all over the news and Internet some years back. I did five of those.
Catholic Priest: I thought I recognized your accent. So you have killed five people?
Muslim Extremist: Well, beheaded five. I have skewered seven, bombed eighty four, shot dead nineteen, tortured to death twenty two, strangled six, poisoned three, pushed off the cliff two, farted to death eight, and bored to non-existence twelve.
Catholic Priest: Damn, boy. That’s a big-ass sin list you have there.
Muslim Extremist: But I did it all to uphold the honor of Islam and the Prophet. I did it so I can force others to believe what I believe consequently enslaving them. I was merely using fear to get people to do what I want.
Catholic Priest (thinks for a few seconds): Well, that’s cool then. We do similar stuff to
gays, Jews, Protestants, women seeking abortion, and pro-stem cell research people and then  blame it on black people.
Muslim Extremist: I guess the blacks are really useful to you guys in that sense.
Catholic Priest: They also make good punching bags.
Muslim Extremist: Umm…don’t you think that’s kind of racist?
Catholic Priest: When I said they also make good punching bags, I meant they produce good punching bags. I didn’t mean that it felt good to punch them. I mean, I don’t know for sure. Maybe they do. But that’s not what I meant.
Muslim Extremist: Ok.
Catholic Priest: Coming back to you, I really don’t think all that you have confessed so far are really that big a deal. A lot of people do it and still mange to lead very productive,
successful lives.
Muslim Extremist: But I’m not done.
Catholic Priest: Ok. What else have you done? Have you stolen any babies and then torn them apart to sell their kidneys?
Muslim Extremist: No.
Catholic Priest: Have you tried pleasuring your pet cat using your index finger and
succeeded?
Muslim Extremist: No.
Catholic Priest: You mean you haven’t succeeded?
Muslim Extremist: No, I meant I haven’t tried pleasuring my pet cat using my index finger.
Catholic Priest: Do you get turned on while reading your Holy Book?
Muslim Extremist: Is that a sin?
Catholic Priest: No, but that definitely makes Sunday mass a lot more exciting. Forget it, have you treated a woman with equality?
Muslim Extremist: Oh, God, no! I would never do something like that.
Catholic Priest: Good, because that would really ensure damnation for you.
Muslim Extremist: Duh! You don’t think I know that?
Catholic Priest: Have you ever preached about love, peace, and harmony and actually meant it?
Muslim Extremist: Father, please, I’m not an animal. I have always been hypocritical in my life and set double standards to everything that I’ve said and done.
Catholic Priest: You appear to be a gem of a man to me. Have you ever thought of
converting?
Muslim Extremist: Never. My religion is sacred to me and I shall never abandon it.
Catholic Priest: Well, that’s fine, I guess. We do need someone to bitch and groan about. Frankly, speaking fighting the Hindus is no fun. They are either too busy fighting amongst themselves or breaking windows and burning stuff.
Muslim Extremist: Yeah, I know. What’s up with that?
Catholic Priest: Well, that’s it. I have officially run out of sins to list. I’m even considering
canonizing you.
Muslim Extremist: I don’t know how to say it.
Catholic Priest: What is it? What is this big sin that you feel you have done? Go ahead and confess. Be not afraid, thou will be rescued from thine mistakes, by ere Lord shalt doth would or some shit like that.
Muslim Extremist: I bought Paris Hilton’s music CD.
Catholic Priest (goes silent for about a minute and speaks in a cold voice): You did what?
Muslim Extremist: I don’t know what I was thinking. I was scanning the location of a music store to plan a suicide attack and then my eyes fell on her slutty album cover and…and I …I just did it. It was an impulse buy and I regret it every single second. I am a bad person. I am a horrible, terrible person.
Catholic Priest: Damn, right, you are. You bought Paris Hilton’s music CD? If at least you had downloaded it, there was a chance the Lord would have forgiven you. But to buy that piece of crap…
Muslim Extremist: I know the heavens have scorned me because every time I listen to the CD my ears feel like they are bleeding and my brain goes cold trying to figure out what a spoiled, untalented little cocksucker this bitch is.
Catholic Priest: I’m afraid your soul has already been lost to the dark…
Muslim Extremist (interrupts): Please, father, don’t say that. Help me out. One religious
extremist to another. Get me some providential pardon. Would it help if I destroyed the CD in front of you? I have my little brother outside waiting with it.
Catholic Priest (suddenly sits up): Your little brother?
Muslim Extremist: Yeah, he’s waiting outside with the CD. Please, figure out some way to help me get providential pardon.
Catholic Priest (licking his lips): How old is your little brother?
Muslim Extremist: He’s eight.
Catholic Priest: That’s perfect.
Muslim Extremist: What are you talking about?
Catholic Priest: You see, there’s one way the Lord will forgive you for the ultimate sin of
buying Paris Hilton’s music CD. All you have to do is let your little brother be alone with me inside this detachable confessional booth for about three hours. I’ll try really hard to convince the Lord to forgive you.
Muslim Extremist: Oh, thank you father. Thank you so much. I promise I’ll never buy
anything that’s even remotely related to Paris Hilton. I’ll go get my brother now.
(The Muslim Extremist returns with his brother. The Catholic Priest, by now, has rehashed the Confessional Booth in such a way that the intermediate separation is no longer there. The scared little boy enters the Confessional Booth as the Catholic Priest bids goodbye to the Muslim Extremist. The Catholic Priest, then, hangs a sign outside the door before closing it.

The sign reads, “DON’T COME KNOCKIN’ IF YOU SEE THE CONFESSIONAL BOOTH
ROCKIN’”)

Catholic Priest: Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God!

Monday, February 25, 2013

eFiction India - You and I




You and I Lyrics – Vineet Mittal 
Lead and Vocals – Deevesh Sinha 
Rhythm and Playback – Nikhil Sharda 
Produced by eFiction India

For More Click Here

Thursday, December 27, 2012

What It Means to be A Man


You shouldn’t probably be reading this if you don’t have an all-consuming penis dangling between your legs. Because only if you have one of those can you understand the concept of what it is to be a man; only then will you be capable of realizing why a man has been established, historically, as the head of every family; only then will you be bestowed with the sense to fully fathom the concept of honor and its extreme significance in the life of a man; then, and only then, will you be able to comprehend why, in order to save the honor of a family or a tribe or a caste, we men are willing to go to the strenuous lengths of stabbing a woman forty six times or shooting her twice in the head.
                 It’s tough living around women, whether they are mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, nieces, girlfriends, or wives. And I’m not talking about constantly having to worry about the toilet seats; I’m talking about how these women assume that they can just go ahead and think on their own and do stuff that they like without considering the ramifications their actions would have on their families, especially the men in their families. I blame it on the immoral culture of today’s world where certain miscreants are trying to spread a propaganda stating that women are actually equal to men. That’s just stupid.
                Pakistan seems to be harboring a lot of these audacious women who think, ludicrous as it may sound, that they can just act on their own will. I know, it shocks me as well. There was one case where a woman’s audacity transcended boundaries of consciousness to bring shame upon her husband and her family. Her husband had a dream in which she was having an affair with a strange man who was half robot half accountant. Clearly, his wife was cheating on him with some mutated creature from the future. The husband immediately dressed up, left the brothel and headed back home to his infidel wife. Since he didn’t want to wake up his wife who went to bed on an empty stomach after she had waited till late night for her husband to arrive, he decided that it would be appropriate if he just poured some kerosene on her and set her ablaze. After she was charred to death, my fellow man was able to breathe a sigh of relief. His honor had been restored.
              Another major problem is the whores found all over the world including India who think they have the right to feel attracted towards a man of their choice, and even go on and marry him. Marrying a person who is not the smelly old guy, who has already been “married” five to seven times, that her family chooses for her? Can you believe the nerve of that slut? How hard is it for her to understand that her life is not hers to be lived? Traditionally, in such cases a family’s honor is rehabilitated by hurling some acid on the girl’s face, disfiguring her for life so she’ll be reminded of the ugly whore that she is. But if the bitch goes over the line and has sex, or gets alleged of having had sex, before she gets married to the man of her family’s choice then she would have to be either stabbed in her throat till she can’t spit any more blood or shot in the back of her head in front of her entire community. At least then they ought to learn that there is no greater shame than a broken hymen. Besides, such shame associated with a family will make it much harder for the men in the family to get into the pants of other virgin girls.
               There’s yet another type who brings shame to her family, and these bitches are probably the most irresponsible ones of the lot. I’m talking about those shameless sluts who let themselves get raped by decent god-fearing men. You would think that the least these tramps could do to not shame their families is avoid getting raped, but, no, they just walk around tempting good men with their tits and their asses and they get raped. Any community that would be willing to not reward such careless behavior with a blade through the rape victim’s neck or kicks to her face and crotch till she bleeds to death is, I’m sorry to say, uncouth and uncultured.
                Maybe it’s fine for the morally scanty women in America to go around shaming their families as they please by doing what they want with their lives but at least in India we have to do whatever we can to protect the honor of men and to preserve our rich cultural heritage of being assholes to the women around us. And, so, the next time you notice that a woman- be it your mother who has raised you with all her love and strength or your sister who would do anything to protect you or your wife who yearns for your love every second- does something that she wishes to do, you don’t even need to think twice before capping that bitch. And since in India we are all brothers and sisters we men have the inherent right to kill any woman- that means I can shoot your mother- in order to protect our honor and then term it an ‘honor killing’. Reputation, not relationship, is what matters to us men the most. Women just need to accept the truth that we men are the ones who keep the sanity and morality of this world in tact. And if we weren’t special then God wouldn’t have given us the uniquely remarkable ability to pee standing up.