Dilemma or Emma..Aak Pachas Paisa #1

I’m faced with what you can call a pet quandary,

Let me also mention that my house is not the best sanctuary,
I saw in a pet shop a cute bird that sang to me,
It repeated a few words then turned its back to me,
I’m confused as to what pet I wish to own,
I need something for company when I’m bushed and alone,
I would buy a puppy but I find dogs a little too bumpy,
Once he grows up he will get all clumpy,
And that is something that gets me all jumpy,
More preference I’d attach to owning some kittens,
But they’ll attack with claws leave me running for mittens,
I even know cases where cat lovers have been cunningly bitten,
I still possess those letters that they have in running hand written,
My pet should be cuddly so I can give it hugs,
Should be clean too, free of fleas and bugs,
I would like to know if I could buy a panda cub,
Will it grab your hand away when you hand the grub?
Fishes are too tiny to be hugged and played with,
I once bought some which my pocket money I paid with,
Soon they kicked the bucket; I sold them to a guy named David,
He was this blind boy that my gay neighbor stayed with,
Are there any other choices that I can fix my focus on?
Perhaps I should search for the joys of a locust zone,
One of my friends suggested I get a plump snake,
I’m afraid I’ll get digested by it like a plum cake,
Another woe if I get pets is all the pee and poop,
I want to hug my pet I don’t want to kneel and scoop,
That’s a level to which I don’t need to stoop,
Maybe I should get some chicks and make me some chicken soup,
Help me fix this; I know this whole thing sounds flaky like chicken poop.


Total Loser, New Delhi.



Pachas Paisa Says


Had to read your letter twice, your dilemma is unique,
I got melted by your cries so I’mma tell you what you need,
If you didn’t fear dogs I’d have suggested getting a pup,
When you sleep off it’ll even help in getting you up,
Size of the dogs seems to bother you,
You despise the fact that they may be all over you,
That’s the price you pay if you want to hug,
Hugs should be given and taken, the dogs don’t intend to bug,
Let’s let the dogs lie, let’s talk now of cats,
You seem to think they are like ghoulish bats,
Waiting for the moment to wave its claws at you,
Hiding in your home so it can closet you,
Most of the cats I’ve seen are harmless creatures,
But the ones you’ve described have some harmful features,
That could very well end you up armless in wheelchairs,
Forget them too if they make you nervous,
Pets are to love us and not to unnerve us,
It won’t work if we feel they don’t deserve us,
Also unlike dogs cats do nothing to serve us,
I’m not sure if you can keep as a pet a panda,
The animal control may suspect a scandal,
And accuse you of being a wildlife vandal,
Totally avoid as pets snakes and insects,
They are things that tend to infect and infest,
Besides I gather you’re looking for something cuddly,
Not something that moves as fast as Jet Li,
Something you can hug but won’t be dying of caresses,
I’m not talking about a group of rhinoceroses,
What you’re missing in your life is a girlfriend,
Assuming it’s not for David that your heart bends,
A sweet girl who’s all fun and party-brained,
And hopefully she’ll be entirely potty-trained

Game Review: Resident Evil 5

Voice acting can decide whether or not a fantasy game-universe can be made believable to the incredulous kind of person who is not so inclined to dive face first into a japanese color-orgy filled to the brim with over-exaggerated dialogue and gay retards with stupid hair. For example, Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain has a great story, we all know it does. But the game play can be pretty frustratingly bad at times, and I some times felt like I was aching my self through a never-ending series of slaughters, just to see some progression in the storyline. But every so often, Kain would give me a smart remark, an item description of an exceptionally vivid nature, or a comment on the foul stench that surrounded him in every city. Had this not been delivered in a good way, I would probably not have immersed myself as much in the story and potentially not realized how fucking awesome it was.

Then you get games like Baten Kaitos, which for the 15 minutes I played it, was like drilling a hole in my ears and then putting it next to a sandblaster, and then having Alanis Morisette do any of her songs on SUNN O)))’s stage sound gear. It was fucking horrendous. I don’t know how else to describe the voices, but they were really. fucking. bad.

There’s also the entire Resident Evil series, suspending that everything about it screams “you’re either a 12 year old girl or a fucking retard if you like this”, and also the fact that I love Yahtzee Croshaw, I was very disappointed by the fact that he never once mentioned how fucking bad the voice acting is in those games. Except maybe with the Villain-With-Throat-Cancer bit. I some times wake up in a cold sweat, the sounds still ringing in my ears, the flat and monotonous “cry” for help: “Leon!” It might as well have been performed by text-to-speech software from the late 90′s.

“Zombies.” She said, as if she was ordering them from a fucking drive through. And I’ve heard more convincing grunts of agony on 8mm amateur pornographic movies. That were fake.

Though I’m pretty sure everything will still suck about Resident Evil, they could at least make the actors sound like they didn’t have to pay to have their names billed on the fucking thing.

Voice acting can mean everything for a cynical realist bastard like me, because I don’t care about flashy swords that much, or the camera angle swooping in to catch a close-up of a particularly sneaky or bloody murder, or the way the bodies drop to the ground after running penis first into hail of birdshot. And I especially don’t give a shit about the fake tension between

teenage-protagonist-with-gay-hair #1 and
teenage-protagonist-named-after-a-German-Nazi-Philosopher-to-better-feign-pseudo-intellectualism-
but-ultimately-just-look-infantile-and-fucking-retarded.

I really don’t care about anything other than PLOT, CHARACTERS AND THEIR DEVELOPMENT, NARRATIVE AND DIALOGUE, unless the game is Crysis or COD4, in which case it might be worth catching that the first looks better than real life and the latter is written by a cynical bastard like myself, and in any case both Crysis and COD4 look great, and have redeeming features beyond eye-candy. And because the narrative and the dialogue should really make up a pretty big bulk of any modern video-game, it’s all the more important that it’s not done by flatulent egos and failed porn actresses who couldn’t make ends meet (harr) just being a fluffer.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, unless Capcom has found a way to perform a miracle, I’ll still hate the Resident Evil Franchise (can anyone say EA strategy) after 5 is released. Even if the voice acting has improved, which I doubt it will have