This is a confession, an apology and a eulogy. About one week ago, i moved into my new apartment on the first floor and spent the afternoon doing one of my favourite things - watching Hollywood movies dubbed in Hindi. It's an experience as bizarre as watching Alfred Hitchcock in a dress. It's amazing how a bad Hindi dub can completely change the genre of the movie. Titanic becomes a comedy; Transformers becomes a tear-jerker; and Godzilla becomes semi-porn.
As i was enjoying this mind-molesting cinematic experience, i noticed that there were a couple of uninvited guests looking on from their balcony seats. We all know this inappropriate habit of uninvited guests where they make themselves a little too comfortable. Well, these two guests took inappropriateness to a whole new level. They sat in my balcony and engaged in what can only be called an extremely extravagant excretory endeavour. Before you concoct some grotesque imagery, let me clarify that i'm talking about the envy of every crow - pigeons.
Instead of welcoming me to the neighbourhood with cheerful chirps and convivial coos, these pigeons decided to beautify my balcony with such an enormous quantity of faeces that i was fully convinced they had had some Mughlai food for lunch. Enraged by this exhibition of impropriety, i headed towards them like a PMS-ing Chulbul Pandey and shooed them away. By then the pigeons had left their mark. I went back to watching the romantic comedy Schindler's List.
Hardly five minutes had passed when one member of the disgusting duo reappeared. I kept my temper in check believing that he couldn't do further damage since he and his buddy had just taken the dump of the decade. But i learned you should never pigeonhole a pigeon. He started his second innings. I ran towards him armed with a shoo so terrifying a normal bird would've required a trauma counsellor after that.
I headed back inside with the same thought i had during the recent fasting-against-corruption competition: when is this going to end? I took a few deep breaths and tried calming myself down. I had barely touched my chair when the pigeon returned a third time and began round three. If i had a pair of wings and that pigeon's nest address i would have personally gone there and returned the favour. I flailed my limbs at him while summoning all the invectives i knew, prefixing and suffixing them with the word 'pigeon'. But this time i decided i would send the pigeon a message.
I left the balcony fan on.
