Let me just start with a solid strong fact
This is not one of those stolid wrong stats
At least twelve times a day they say I’m just too fat
What the hell am I to do? Even my pals shout out ‘Who’s that?’
I’ve tried it all, all the books and the fast diets,
It’s all lies and now it looks like I’m past light,
I’m the heaviest thing and when I worry I get doubly hungry,
I’ll drink the gravy or curry or my tongue just runs dry,
The other day I almost swallowed a plastic orange,
My brother, Jay, stopped me with a drastic low punch,
People find it funny they laugh at my ecstatic slow munch,
Call me names when I’m consuming my fantastic-four lunch,
Burgers, Pizzas, Sandwiches and hot dogs with extra cheese,
These four items I cannot hog but with textbook ease,
Next one please, it’s all I can ever think of, I want to eat it all up,
But in the process I’ve messed it all up,
My friends, they don’t even meet or call up,
They think I’m happier to eat meat or a dollop
Of cream, I just want to scream, trapped in a bad dream,
I thought that they were always in my team,
But it seems like they feel I lack self-esteem,
Please help me, send me at least a single light beam,
Is it such a nasty black spot to be too obese?
Why are they swarming on me like a pack o’ bees?
It’s not my fault that I’ll die for a Mac n Cheese,
I cannot vault my feelings; they come back n tease,
So what do you suggest? Any exercise or diet plans?
Anyway I need some rest, all this text and cries, now I have tight hands,
Hope you reply me by post as soon as possible,
Right now there’s a lamb roast on which I must nibble.

Bucket of Lard, Ohio



Pachas Paisa Replies

At first I was a bit confused what you wanted my help for,
What your bemused friends taunted you to hell for?
Then I saw your concern for your obesity,
Do you take long walks or is it only sitting?
I can understand why you act like a mad-eater,
All the pressure circles you in a yard with no diameter,
Soon I got to know that the matter was a tad serious,
Eating plastic is no better than drinking things bad and spurious,
The solution is not reading books or watching diet programs,
Take a resolution to cut down on your batch of nighttime hams,
Walk everyday for an hour or so, it helps you from head to toe,
You can do it fast or slow, be dedicated and you need to do no more,
Do it now, for long you’ve already waited, no more of woes,
You say you’ll die for a Mac n Cheese, good to see some passion,
Seems to me like you’ll die of a Mac n Cheese, sorry for that slashing,
Losing weight is no magic trick; the excess weight will end you up aging sick,
You’ll always be paging shrinks, paying bills, envisaging greener hills,
And it’ll be harder to stop your friends repeating all the meaner things,
So get it clear that it doesn’t help to eat relentlessly,
You need to sweat it here; you mustn’t accept defeat endlessly,
Keep your mind on it, reduce your grub and stop being a lazy bum,
Don’t just smile this off, Go use a health club or join a gymnasium,
Give it some time, don’t agonize or you’ll be in some coma,
Don’t lose sleep and get bags under eyes like the Simpsons’ Homer,
Remember that the people who hurt are not your friends,
They’re just a worthless bunch who blots your sense,
A friend is one who sees in you the sage and dunce,
A friend is one who stays and not one who runs,
I think you’ll be fine and that’s not a mere hunch,
If all this doesn’t work then I’ll buy you a year’s lunch