Muslim Extremist: I have sinned, old man in a white robe.
Catholic Priest: Call me father.
Muslim Extremist: Papa.
Catholic Priest: Not Papa, Father.
Muslim Extremist: Dear Father, I have sinned.
Catholic Priest: What are your sins, my son? Confess and be forgiven.
Muslim Extremist: I’m not sure where to begin.
Catholic Priest: Let’s see, have you ever indulged in any kind of incestuous activities?
Muslim Extremist: Not at all. My family frowns on such things. If my dad knew I even
touched my sister he would make me suck his dick as punishment.
Catholic Priest: Ok, what about rapes? Done any of those?
Muslim Extremist: Just girls.
Catholic Priest: Well, that’s no sin then. How about cursing? Are you a frequent user of
curse words?
Muslim Extremist: Fuck No! I’m not a foulmouthed cunt like some modern Muslims out
there. I stick to every word of the Koran and completely refrain from swearing.
Catholic Priest: Well then, have you taken the life of another man?
Muslim Extremist (hesitant): Quite a few, actually. I’m sure you must remember those
beheadings that was all over the news and Internet some years back. I did five of those.
Catholic Priest: I thought I recognized your accent. So you have killed five people?
Muslim Extremist: Well, beheaded five. I have skewered seven, bombed eighty four, shot dead nineteen, tortured to death twenty two, strangled six, poisoned three, pushed off the cliff two, farted to death eight, and bored to non-existence twelve.
Catholic Priest: Damn, boy. That’s a big-ass sin list you have there.
Muslim Extremist: But I did it all to uphold the honor of Islam and the Prophet. I did it so I can force others to believe what I believe consequently enslaving them. I was merely using fear to get people to do what I want.
Catholic Priest (thinks for a few seconds): Well, that’s cool then. We do similar stuff to
gays, Jews, Protestants, women seeking abortion, and pro-stem cell research people and then blame it on black people.
Muslim Extremist: I guess the blacks are really useful to you guys in that sense.
Catholic Priest: They also make good punching bags.
Muslim Extremist: Umm…don’t you think that’s kind of racist?
Catholic Priest: When I said they also make good punching bags, I meant they produce good punching bags. I didn’t mean that it felt good to punch them. I mean, I don’t know for sure. Maybe they do. But that’s not what I meant.
Muslim Extremist: Ok.
Catholic Priest: Coming back to you, I really don’t think all that you have confessed so far are really that big a deal. A lot of people do it and still mange to lead very productive,
successful lives.
Muslim Extremist: But I’m not done.
Catholic Priest: Ok. What else have you done? Have you stolen any babies and then torn them apart to sell their kidneys?
Muslim Extremist: No.
Catholic Priest: Have you tried pleasuring your pet cat using your index finger and
succeeded?
Muslim Extremist: No.
Catholic Priest: You mean you haven’t succeeded?
Muslim Extremist: No, I meant I haven’t tried pleasuring my pet cat using my index finger.
Catholic Priest: Do you get turned on while reading your Holy Book?
Muslim Extremist: Is that a sin?
Catholic Priest: No, but that definitely makes Sunday mass a lot more exciting. Forget it, have you treated a woman with equality?
Muslim Extremist: Oh, God, no! I would never do something like that.
Catholic Priest: Good, because that would really ensure damnation for you.
Muslim Extremist: Duh! You don’t think I know that?
Catholic Priest: Have you ever preached about love, peace, and harmony and actually meant it?
Muslim Extremist: Father, please, I’m not an animal. I have always been hypocritical in my life and set double standards to everything that I’ve said and done.
Catholic Priest: You appear to be a gem of a man to me. Have you ever thought of
converting?
Muslim Extremist: Never. My religion is sacred to me and I shall never abandon it.
Catholic Priest: Well, that’s fine, I guess. We do need someone to bitch and groan about. Frankly, speaking fighting the Hindus is no fun. They are either too busy fighting amongst themselves or breaking windows and burning stuff.
Muslim Extremist: Yeah, I know. What’s up with that?
Catholic Priest: Well, that’s it. I have officially run out of sins to list. I’m even considering
canonizing you.
Muslim Extremist: I don’t know how to say it.
Catholic Priest: What is it? What is this big sin that you feel you have done? Go ahead and confess. Be not afraid, thou will be rescued from thine mistakes, by ere Lord shalt doth would or some shit like that.
Muslim Extremist: I bought Paris Hilton’s music CD.
Catholic Priest (goes silent for about a minute and speaks in a cold voice): You did what?
Muslim Extremist: I don’t know what I was thinking. I was scanning the location of a music store to plan a suicide attack and then my eyes fell on her slutty album cover and…and I …I just did it. It was an impulse buy and I regret it every single second. I am a bad person. I am a horrible, terrible person.
Catholic Priest: Damn, right, you are. You bought Paris Hilton’s music CD? If at least you had downloaded it, there was a chance the Lord would have forgiven you. But to buy that piece of crap…
Muslim Extremist: I know the heavens have scorned me because every time I listen to the CD my ears feel like they are bleeding and my brain goes cold trying to figure out what a spoiled, untalented little cocksucker this bitch is.
Catholic Priest: I’m afraid your soul has already been lost to the dark…
Muslim Extremist (interrupts): Please, father, don’t say that. Help me out. One religious
extremist to another. Get me some providential pardon. Would it help if I destroyed the CD in front of you? I have my little brother outside waiting with it.
Catholic Priest (suddenly sits up): Your little brother?
Muslim Extremist: Yeah, he’s waiting outside with the CD. Please, figure out some way to help me get providential pardon.
Catholic Priest (licking his lips): How old is your little brother?
Muslim Extremist: He’s eight.
Catholic Priest: That’s perfect.
Muslim Extremist: What are you talking about?
Catholic Priest: You see, there’s one way the Lord will forgive you for the ultimate sin of
buying Paris Hilton’s music CD. All you have to do is let your little brother be alone with me inside this detachable confessional booth for about three hours. I’ll try really hard to convince the Lord to forgive you.
Muslim Extremist: Oh, thank you father. Thank you so much. I promise I’ll never buy
anything that’s even remotely related to Paris Hilton. I’ll go get my brother now.
(The Muslim Extremist returns with his brother. The Catholic Priest, by now, has rehashed the Confessional Booth in such a way that the intermediate separation is no longer there. The scared little boy enters the Confessional Booth as the Catholic Priest bids goodbye to the Muslim Extremist. The Catholic Priest, then, hangs a sign outside the door before closing it.
The sign reads, “DON’T COME KNOCKIN’ IF YOU SEE THE CONFESSIONAL BOOTH
ROCKIN’”)
Catholic Priest: Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God!
