Seven Wonders of India

Until sometime back my nighttime schedule was short and simple. I watched Shakira videos, beat my meat, and then went to sleep dreaming of impregnating her. However, I was, recently, forced to make a slight change in my nighttime schedule. The altered agenda was: watch Shakira videos, massage my Mt. Everest, say a ten-minute prayer, and then go to sleep dreaming of impregnating Shakira. Unlike in my childhood days, the prayer wasn’t aimed at having my school bombed or my teachers buried alive or my relatives skewered. I had matured a lot since those days. I knew all I had to do was search the Internet for ultra cool ways to murder people. The reason I prayed after rubbing my rhombus and before going to sleep was something totally different. I yearned to uphold our country’s pride and rich cultural heritage in front of the rest of the world. I desired to make India appear tourism-worthy to stupid retarded white-ass foreigners. I prayed in order to make sure the Taj Mahal wouldn’t get voted out of the new seven wonders list.

The whole nation is getting jittery because the Taj Mahal was the one thing that had always made India appealing to the rest of the universe. Even when some countries couldn’t agree to our strict moral code of banning and condemning everything that even slightly referred to the authenticity of religions or historical figures while secretly promoting prostitution, sex rackets, communal riots, bigotry, pornography, and violence against women they all openly welcomed the fact that the Taj Mahal was a wondrous monument and an unequivocal symbol of love. Without the Taj Mahal being officially one of the seven wonders India would be just a smelly country with a handful of filthy rich millionaires, billions of sick, depressed call center employees and software engineers, and a seriously “we’ve-got-our-heads-so-far-up-our-asses-that-we-can-lick-our-tonsils” family called the Bachchans whom everybody knows they’re supposed to say they like but aren’t quite sure why.

Some Indians were of the opinion that India was paying too much attention to get accepted into the New Seven Wonders List. They believed that when hundreds and thousands of Indians were dying every month of various reasons like poverty, diseases, and border violence the value that was being ascribed to the Taj Mahal was undeserved. Afterwards, when they ran out of things to say and do the group randomly assaulted college professors and assailed artists and writers. It was then that everybody realized that it was merely the Shiv Sena and the RSS trying to not have a Muslim monument as the biggest attraction in a purely Hindu country. They demanded that, instead, a Hindu monument should be named as the country’s biggest treasure. Maybe something like the Imax theatre in Mumbai. Or Bal Thackeray’s house.

Even if the New Seven Wonders Committee excludes the Taj from their list we have to learn to value our national possessions and talk about them at every single occasion so that people get so sick of it they’ll visit the Taj Mahal just to jump from the top of it. What most of us don’t realize is that the Taj Mahal is just one of the brilliant wonders that exist in our country. There are innumerous wonders that overwhelm different parts of our country that it’s hard to make a list of them. However, I have managed to narrow down seven of our country’s greatest wonders.

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF INDIA

Wonder # 7: Bollywood

Possibly the most popular movie industry in the world next to Hollywood. But the reason why it’s included in the seven wonders of India list is because not a single living breathing Indian knows why it’s so popular. Overflowing with untalented actors, directors, and scriptwriters Bollywood is equivalent to a group of monkeys imitating what they see Hollywood do, and that too imitate it really badly. It’s nothing short of a wonder how actors like Fardeen Khan, Suniel Shetty, Amisha Patel, John Abraham, Shahid Kapoor, and Bipasha Basu to name a few are still thriving in the industry. It’s nothing short of a wonder that people would pay money to see these spoiled assfaces put on pathetic displays of what they call acting.

Wonder # 6: Dowry

The wondrous procedure by which a woman is sold to a man by her family where the money is paid by the woman’s family to the man. Now that’s what you call a bad bargain when you part with valuable puss and end up paying for it. Still, the wonder is that even in the twenty first century it exists and continues to grow stronger.

Wonder # 5: Hansika Motwani

With tits that can give you a cardiac arrest, an ass that can bring world peace, and a face that can keep a sperm bank going for years, Hansika Motwani is just sixteen years old. Now, salivating after a sixteen-year-old girl is obviously an inappropriate thing to do but she’s a living breathing sex-oozing monument of beauty who deserves to be described as a true hormonal wonder.

Wonder # 4: Himesh Reshammiya

One of the very few singers in the country who gets paid to make sounds similar to a giraffe getting a cordless phone shoved up its ass. Others like Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle have had to strain for centuries before they reached where the capped-wonder Himesh has reached in a matter of few months.

Wonder # 3: Ayesha Takia’s boobs

Are they two planets trapped inside her blouse? Is it God’s way of letting us take a sneak preview of what heaven is like? Are they not the two most essential things a man needs for his survival other than food and water? Filled with the power to raise the genitals of even a dead man, Ayesha Takia’s boobs are undoubtedly the greatest twin towers ever into which anyone would love to fly their airplane into.

Wonder # 2: Indian Politics

Filled with both educated and uneducated cock-squeezers, the Indian Political Arena is awe-inspiring both for its complete refusal to give a shit about the welfare of the people and the absolute desire to pile up as much money as possible while promising people whatever they want to hear. Although Indian Politics resemble other countries in those aspects they hold their own when it comes to crime, corruption, and intolerance. In all which way possible, the field of Indian Politics is truly a wonder.

Wonder # 1: Kashmir

A piece of shit-ass unproductive land that is perpetually filled with snow and does not mean crap to any thinking individual in either India or Pakistan. No matter how many billions of bullets are fired and how many thousands liters of blood are spilled Kashmir will forever remain an infected cork up the asses of both India and Pakistan. The wonder of Kashmir lies in the fact that everyone hears about how much India wants it to be ours but frankly speaking who would want to acquire a piece of shit like that which has cost our country so much, both in money and lives? Kashmir is the greatest shared wonder in our country that is often called the paradise on Earth but is actually nothing but a fucking graveyard where your nipples get pointy faster than a stranger can guess Karan Johar’s sexuality.