Break Ups and Downs

I was in a relationship before. I guess i’ve realized lately that i’m over it, and now it’s time to tell others how to do it too.

My friend says that it’s all chemicals and after three years the chemicals stop working. I’m not in that relationship anymore. How long did it last? Five Years.

We were a lot alike. My other friend says those relationships Are the best. Or the worst he adds. Usually both he decides.

When you blow aside the leftover dust particles that once made up the connective tissue (that you considered to be unique and magical), you see that all relationships are about the same. The things you said to each other, they probably said to other people. You’ll go on to say those same things to other people, too. We’re all running tapes.

What I’m saying is that you probably landed here because the title interests you, or Google sent you here because you’re sitting at home on a Friday night looking for tips on how to get over a breakup.

The tips after the jump….

1. If you’re reading this list or others like it in hopes of getting over it, you’re nowhere close. Get off the computer. Leave your apartment. I know you’re still reading but really: go.
2. Call and Text your ex until you’re pretty sure they think you’re pathetic. If you were at fault, which you probably were, this will insure they will realize through your persistence that they made the right choice.
3. Don’t Believe the above rule and figure that your situation is different. Revel in the difference of your situation while your phone sits silent and your ex bad-mouths you and mocks you with their friends over martinis. Since this is tactical, and believe me it is, friends want to be on the winning side of anything. If you’re calling and texting, you already lost. And you’re behaving like a fail-factory still. If you’re lagging behind, they’re getting ahead.
4. Move from wherever you live. Your ex knows where you live and they know your stupid roommates, your crapcan furniture and can visualize you sitting at home. Take that away from them.
5. Change your number. I know this seems drastic but its necessary. They have your email, friends’ numbers, IM, etc. if they absolutely must get ahold of you.
6. Don’t Date anyone until you absolutely can’t stand it. Nobody will measure up for awhile and you won’t even be at your best anyhow. Dating someone out of the gate puts you at a tactical disadvantage, because you’re such a pathetic shitheap right now, nobody that you want will want you. You know how you told that fat or ugly person that you just got out of a relationship and you blah blah blah… Do that, but in earnest. Then keep doing it.
7. Enrich Yourself. Now that you’re free you have a lot of spare time on your hands. Your friends that you neglected while you were in love don’t feel bad for you and will treat you the sad sack that you are. So: read some books, find a better job, get some exercise, take a class that you wanted to take or build one of those homemade helicopters from the kit that you see in the back of Popular Science.
8. Become Less Ugly. You know what I mean. If you were better looking they would’ve put up with your bullshit for longer. If you were better looking you’d be reading this saying “i’m not really sure where Nikhil is coming from on this one”, or you wouldn’t be reading it at all. I’m not going to get into details here, you know what makes you ugly, try and change it.
9. Reflect on the relationship. The good and the bad. The only viable conclusion here should be that they are an idiot and despite your failures, they lose. And they’re probably out with some cheeseball right now, having a terrible time doing whatever they can to stop thinking about you. Now imagine them kissing that cheeseball because they don’t know what else to do. But you do. Think of that until it doesn’t bother you anymore and you loathe them.
10. Stop Looking for advice from lists, or from friends, or especially lists on a website that has the word Misanthropy in it.

Chin up, and all that stuff…