Hey People... It’s so good to be back! Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages... Re-Introducing to you - Nikhil Sharda
Almost 10 months ago I had been prescribed to take dosages of Risdone Plus. And if you are taking prescription medicines but don’t know how they are prescribed to you then you are abusing drugs, so I found out about them and soon realized that I suffer from a psychosomatic syndrome.
I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, this means that I cycle between bouts of acute depression and stints of absolute mania. I never knew that this was a disorder... I thought it was something everyone goes through.
So I ask - where lies my viewpoint of sensible thinking and reasoning?
Anyway, this mania thing is extremely confusing. First of all my mind gets filled with ideas. They come faster than I can write them down. Each one is an idea to treasure. Each one is brilliant and fascinating and sure to enlighten and engage.
And then suddenly the depression sets in, and my furious actions of everything I do (writing stuff, reading books, watching telly, listening to music, hanging out with friends); all of these seem like a waste of time. That is the reason why my recent posts were all apathetic and depressing.
The most disturbing thing of all is to feel so passionate about something in a state of mania only to feel unsure about it the next moment. Or worse, feel that it was absurd, silly and immature.
But the biggest question is - which one is the reality? Which state, mania or depression, is more logical or should I say the least delusional? And is there a place where most individuals live their lives, where both states are toned down with sensible thinking?
I am now “functioning” (and I use the term very loosely) in a distorted condition, so it is difficult to judge the merit of anything. It is difficult to choose from one of a thousand ideas.
Through all of this, there are people who genuinely want to see me get a good life and all, but they don’t understand what I’m going through... In fact I don’t know what is being conjured up in my twisted brain!
Well, thankfully the medicines are working. I am sleeping soundly. I have slowed down which is a great sign. The “bad thoughts” have decreased. But there are times when I feel really alone. The people in my life don’t understand. They are concerned but they have no idea what I am talking about. I want to know that I am not alone. Isn’t that what we all need? Please let me know that you are out there. Let me know that I am not going crazy.
I read you. I feel you. It'd be great if we got to meet and chat over a beer. Let me know if you're interested in a vacation from all the mess in Thailand.
ReplyDeleteThere is a difference between reality and normality.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't talking about reality, but normality.
Reality is anything that's real.
Both mania, and depression are real.
Normality is overrated. Normal is relative to every person.
Your mania or depression, or psychosis don't define your normality. They aren't you; they are things that happen to you.
Your meds can put you to sleep, and dull your senses, but only your mind can keep you grounded.
Fighting bipolar disorder is not about making the moods go away, it's learning to control them.